In An Ideal World
by Penelope Loc
Summary: In the imaginary world of Floroc, our O.C.s have made a list of qualities about the ideal world. Contains Naruto, Hetalia, Pokemon, South Park, Death Note, One Piece, The Human Centipede and other miscellaneous references here and there. Rated M for language and dark themes. Now, I'm using the last of my characters to say, "PLEASE REVIEW! WHY YOU SO SILENT?"
1. Imagining in the Rain

_Pitter patter slipper splatter splits, and splats; Oh only if Water could Talk._

On rainy days like right now in our beloved Floroc, people tend to be cooped up in their cozy little houses. Our pinked- eyed, blonde o.c., Vanessa was making her way to the kitchen (probably to make some form of dog food) when hark! There was _bruder_ Juni actually working on something seemingly intellectual.

"_Was das_?" asked the lass.

"Bored," replied the dark haired, blue eyed thing that looks absolutely nothing like her.

"That's a list," pointed out Vanessa.

"_Danke schön*,_ Miss Obvious," said the now obviously German twin, "it's a list of the ideal world's qualities."

"**The **Ideal!?" questioned the other twin, 'Probably more like _your_ ideal!"

"_Wetten Dass**?" _challenged Juni, "Read it, and you just might agree with me."

*Thank you **Wanna bet (it)

* * *

_In an ideal world, everyone will get a chance to go into space in their lifetime._

"Hello? Is anyone here?!"

A little boy with the face that reminds you an annoying little brother is currently floating in outer space. Trapped in a space pod with nowhere else to go, he called on his radio transmitter:

"Juni, when am I getting down?!"

Juni, the guy writing this list, replied, "Tom, you're going to stay in space forever, for the sake of everyone else's peace!"

"Goddamit you mother******!" screeched Tom, "You ****'in liar! This is a trap!"

"Well, said Juni, "I said everyone was able to go into space."

"But I'm not able to get down!?" grumbled Tom, "What is this S***!?"

Just then, a UFO started flying towards the space pod. With a 'clunk' on the exterior of the shiny ship, it caught the trapped boy's attention.

"Juni, what's outside of this shi*** junk?" asked Tom.

There was a pause before Juni reported, "It appears to be an explosive clay bird floating in space..."

"You mean Dead Deidara's?" said Tom, "What the F*** is it doing out here?!"

"I dun no," replied Commander Juni, "But I suggest you steer away from it."

"Hah!" retorted Tom, "Things can't explode without fuc**** gravity!"

Well, it exploded anyway.

**~back to the real world**

"You're a terrible person, you know that?" said Vanessa.

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure everyone knows that by now. Anyway, this is _niche_." (Nothing)

* * *

_In an ideal world, there will be no weapons._

Now we're in the Hetaliaverse, where America and England are currently trying to shoot the living daylights out of France for rearranging their wardrobe.

"Goddammit, he's getting away!" shouted England, "Gimme some more of those bullets!"

"No can do, dude, they just banned bullets!" hollered America.

"Then get something that LOOKS like a bullet!" replied England, "This guy better be dead by sunset!"

America then shuffled through his pockets. Besides candy and sodas, there also happened to be suppositories from Spain for constipation from not eating enough fruit.

"These should do!"

"Then fire it up!" yelled England.

"They just banned guns also!"

"FOR CHRIST"S SAKE! CHUCK IT!"

So our Hero chucked the butt pill as France was running away. As France's back happened to be turned to our duo, the suppository also coincidently flew up where the end of the digestive system was. This prompted the Coward to say:

"_Mon Dieu! Je pourrais faire des merdes encore!*"_

_*loosely translated: "My god, I can make shit again!"_

* * *

_In an ideal world, there will be no starving people._

At Bulls Worth* High, today's food was free, and this is very unusual, considering how bankrupt the school is. The students looked up the menu and besides milk and fruit, the two options were, (freshly slaughtered) 'Deluxe Beef Surprise' and not surprisingly, 'Chicken Surprise.' What was surprising was seen when the kids got their lunches.

"Say, said a girl with a Hetalia shirt, "Why is there black and white stuff on my 'beef'?

"Yeah, I think I saw a seagull feather on my 'chicken' too," uttered her Hollister-cladded friend, "Are we to be SURE that they just didn't (freshly) slaughter a Morbidly Obese Panda and the Seagull King?"

"Don't be ridiculous," replied her companion, "Those things only exists in your comics!"

Just then, a group of people ran up to them, proclaiming some unsettling news.

"HEY DUDES!" they shouted, "THERE'S A PANDA AND A GIANT SEAGULL BUST ON THE WALLS OF THE FRONT OFFICE!"

*Yes this is an actual school, and in fact, the school I go to. The name has been changed.

* * *

_In an ideal world, Deidara's grass will be, at most, 4 inches (~10 cm) tall._

"Finally, hmm!"

In the last fan fiction, this poor dude's grass was about 12 feet (2 meters) tall. As you can see, in this fantasy, he just cut it down, and the cruel artist hasn't drawn it back up.

"Now time to relax and-"

"OW!"

That was a kid, who apparently tripped on some really long blades of grass.

"What the-?"

Deidara turned around. It seems as though Grass is indeed 4 inches long, but 12 feet across; it grew sideways, like a comb over.

"このくそファック！*"

*Using Google Translate: "This shit fuck!" (Fuck this shit)

* * *

_In an ideal world, the language of the majority will be spoken commonly._

"请把盐递给我,*" said Nami.

"这里**," said Van.

"谢谢***"

"SPEAK ENGLISH FOR F****** SAKE!" complained Tom.

"去你的自我他妈的!****"

*please pass the salt me (in Chinese, the action goes before the predicate- I still used Translate) **here ***Thanks

****Go yourself fuck

* * *

_In an ideal world, every bad word coming out of Tom's mouth will be censored._

I think we already realized that by now.

* * *

_In an ideal world, life will be a lot more interesting._

In the Naruto world, there was a global cooling, even in Sunagakure.

"GIMME YOUR DAMN PUPPETS!"

Temari with glowing red eyes was charging towards Kankuro, who was clinging on to the prized 'mother' and 'father' puppets in the corner of the room.

"NO! I WON'T LET YOU TOUCH THEM, YOU BITCH!"

Gaara, watching the whole scene unfold, decided he needed to step in as Kazekage.

"Brother Kankuro..." said the noble sibling, "You must give up your puppets so that we won't freeze to death; it's the last piece of wood besides Scorpion."

"But you're all going to burn them for firewood!" screamed Kankuro hysterically.

"YOU WANT US TO DIE OR WHAT!?" roared Temari.

"Sasori...he told me to keep them and pass it on to the next generation…"

"WELL, there won't be a 'next generation' if we don't survive."

And so that was how we got a scene of Kankuro sobbing while he used the flamethrower on the Scorpion puppet to make an excellent fire out of whatever wood there was left.

"Hey, this fire makes excellent soup!" claimed a villager.

Thunder resounded throughout the village.

* * *

_In an ideal world, the legacy of artists will be more renowned._

Now we're in Pokemon, where our favorite silent protagonist, Red and his rival, Blue are exploring Mt Silver. Suddenly, Red's Pikachu stubbed its toe on to something hard and white.

"Pika Pika?"

So it was dug up. When the exploration saw it, it drained the color out of their already pale faces. Why? Because it was an explosive clay bird.

"What the hell is it doing here?" asked Blue, "And why didn't it explode on us?"

_Maybe it's already inactive since the creator's dead. _Thought Red.

"If it won't explode, then we should give it to the world responsible for it."

Through a secret anime portal, Red and Blue took it to the nearest town in Naruto, which was Konohagakure. Like said in the last fantasy, it was also experiencing a cooling. However, there seem to be no safe use for it, Naruto said,

"Let's preserve it in a museum for eternity!"

So they did. And it never exploded either.

* * *

"I think I've had enough, Juni."

Juni stopped writing with his mouth agape.

"Come on, admit it, if these laws actually applied, then the world would be awesome, wouldn't it?"

"No it won't," replied Vanessa, "The humor may be too dark for our readers to take in."

"So _schwester, _are you saying that these viewers are willing to take graphic sex, but are not able to imagine a kid being sent up into space and never come down?" retorted Juni.

"Actually, it's just that these jokes are starting to get flat as non carbonated soda," said Vanessa.

"Hmm, maybe you're right; I know, let's take a 15 minute break from the computer- I mean from writing, before going on to the next chapter, err I mean, writing again."

"Then I'll just make a raw version of _Bienenstich*_ I saw on Pinterest in the meanwhile!" said a delighted Vanessa.

_This is also probably also a good time to run. _Said Juni's conscience.

*Bee sting Cake

To Be Continued

**So that wasn't bad, was it? To those who think that I'm a polyglot, I'm not; it's just that I happen to pick up a lot of words randomly, and/or used Google Translate. The only languages I know are Vietnamese, English, and I'm learning French. Anyway, thanks for taking your time to read it, if you've made it this far and comments/ reviews are still appreciated! (Seriously, I don't like the silence on my review page. Say anything, Please! I need criticism to be a better writer; what makes you guys think I'm afraid of being criticized!?)**


	2. Intermission Over

"Juni, get your ASS over here, 'cause our audience has waited FAR more than 15 minutes!"

Down the hallway, a sound of someone hurling their contents into the toilet could be heard.

Apparently, Juni hadn't run fast enough to be saved from food poisoning.

"I would've took 15 minutes, had you not forced me to eat your _Bienenstich!-AFFFFRRRHHH!"_

Okay, so this didn't sound good at all. As Juni was somewhat dying, Vanessa decided to take matters into her own hands, and continued the List.

* * *

_In an ideal world, the food market will be adequately regulated no matter where in the world._

If any of you readers have looked up the news from some Asian countries, it's usually about some scandal regarding unregulated consumer goods. For example, there have been stories of plastic noodles being sold as the real thing. Now getting back on topic:

Walking the Great Wall could be a very exhausting task. Han, a very old man was most certainly tired after quite a while. Luckily, there happened to be a small tea house nearby, and being run by Mr. Wang too! (Just so you know, Wang is China from Hetalia) So our old man came in. Weirdly enough, the place was vacant, considering it was the only shop in the vicinity.

"_Ni Hao_, sir, I'm glad someone finally came!" said China.

"Yes yes, it's very tiring walking that Great Wall," chirped Han.

"So what would you like?" asked China.

"How about a cup of tea, for starters?" requested Han.

"Oh, before I can give that to you, by law, I must tell you our food may or may not be contaminated with the following: water, fly poo, dust, plutonium, mercury oxide, heroin, plastic substitutes, pesticides, bleach, artificial powdered opium, and/or any other foreign substances."

"Eh, YOLO."

* * *

_In an ideal world, Bulls Worth will never spend a single penny on overpriced golf carts again._

"Bow Wow Bulldogs!" said the announcement, "Before we rise for the Pledge of Allegiance, there is some breaking news; we'll never buy unnecessary, brand new, special golf carts again!"

*WOO HOO!* *ALRIGHT!* *HOORAY!*

"Instead, we've spent government money on an even more unnecessary golf course!"

"AWWWWWW!"

"...But we found a way to cut the cost!"

*?*

"YOU guys will be serving as free labor!"

"AW FUCK NO!"

* * *

_In an ideal world, Vanessa has the ability to cook._

The whole Magical Adventures gang (that is, main characters in my unpublished comics) was sitting at the table, _not_ eagerly waiting for their breakfast. Today, it was Vanessa's day to cook, and it usually ended in a trip to the hospital.

"Alright, toast is served!"

Wait? Toast? No it can't be right; she usually cooks something so strange, it's inedible, and potentially toxic, too. However, in came perfectly normal toast.

"Wow! This toast is some delicious S***!" said Tom, "Even better than normal toast!"

"What did you do to it?" asked Peng.

Vanessa then showed them a strange -looking machine.

"This here, is the Toast-O-Rama!" proclaimed Vanessa, "One push of a button, and voila, perfect toast!"

"Dude!" said an exasperated Nami, "All you have to do to make toast, is to put bread in an oven, and heat it up!"

"Can't do that either," shrugged Vanessa, "Even in a fantasy, I can't cook crap."

* * *

_In an ideal world, the disadvantaged will get aid from all those who are better off._

"Attention Bulls Worth!" quipped the principle, "We're helping the children of poor countries be creating a food drive! However, since absolutely no one will participate in this crappy program, we'll just ship frozen 'Beef Surprise'* and 'Chicken Surprise'* over to those countries!: D"

I think that just sums up everything.

* * *

*meat of a Morbidly Obese Panda and the Seagull King

_In an ideal world, Cartman from 'South Park' wouldn't be so fat._

"Alright Mr. Piggy," said the doctor, "Because of your condition, a normal liposuction wouldn't do. Instead, you'll have to refer to this guy."

"How many times do I have to tell you I'm big-boned!?" whined Cartman.

Neverless, the four boys came to a mysterious little shack in the middle of nowhere, where a lady that looked like a fortune teller was perched on a red velvet pillow.

"I've been waiting for you, Eric Cartman."

To make a long scene short, the lady explained that they'll do an exor-suction, which involved Cartman getting wasted on paint thinner, while she chants nonsense.

"EYES OF THE SPIRIT OF OBESITY RELEASE YOU SLAVE FROM YOUR IRON GRIP!"

That was the only comprehensible thing she said, but yet, Eric did grew thin in a flash of light.

"Wow! You did it," said a surprised Kyle, "You actually made the fatass thin!"

"Did you see that Kenny!?" chirped an equally surprised Stan.

Kenny did not responded, because he was crushed to death by newfound fat that mysteriously went into his body.

"Hmmm… I might've forgotten to tell you that things cannot disappear or be created in the universe.

"Oh my god! You killed Kenny!" yelled Stan.

"You Bastard!" replied Kyle.

"Meh, at least I'm skinny," said Cartman.

"Probably wouldn't last long with the way you eat," remarked Kyle.

"SHADDUP YOU JEW!"

* * *

_In an ideal world, ridiculous lawsuits would not be accepted. _

"Trolls Company*, I'm suing you dudes for leaving shit in my chocolate!" whined America.

"Everything has a little contamination in it, sir, replied a representative, "From dust to insect fragments, you won't be harmed in microscopic amounts."

"Then how do you explain this!?"

America lifted up his 6 foot (2 meter) ChocoDudette to reveal a half-dead TurdyFly underneath.

"_Help me,"_ squeaked the TurdyFly.

*Parody of Hershey's

* * *

_In an ideal world, Marmite (Vegemite) would be given for free after every shopping trip._

"Hell No!" bursted Juni, "You're probably the only one who can survive in a pool of that stuff!"

"_Well,"_ said Vanessa, "I so _happen_ to like it."

"Along with black licorice, raw tofu, raw onion springs _Surströmming__,*, _and other weird stuff!"

"So what? I thought you were generally tolerant of differences; besides, I filled in while you were being sick!" retorted Vanessa.

"From your curdling cake! I think you've had enough time, for now. We'll continue in the next chapter, which is not before I hurl again- ARRRFFFFFHHHHHH!" belched Juni

"So do something else in the meanwhile!" quipped Vanessa

*look it up

**Hey readers, glad you made it this far. If you spot anything grammatically wrong or would like to add something, say it in the comments; it'll be appreciated! (~**_**Please Say Something, I'm giving up on you**_**~)**


	3. Deidara and Durians

As of last time, Juni, being sick from a cake made and cooked 'till it was toxic, is now being driven to the hospital by his dear sister, Vanessa. Judged by how long it took for our chapter to be updated, our List has probably been abandoned as the original writer, is still on life support.

And then comes in Jen the Mute Hermaphrodite.

Taking a walk around the house with nothing to do, his/her eyes happened to rest upon a list. Hmm… "Qualities of an Ideal World"; sounds very interesting. Maybe whoever wrote it wouldn't mind Jen adding a few ideas, eh?

"..."

Oh wait, did I say he/she can't talk? I guess I'll have to dictate it.

* * *

_In an ideal world, Deidara wouldn't act like such a grumpy old fart._

If any of you readers watched Naruto, you probably know that even though our favorite long- haired character is only 19 years old, he acts very mature and grumpy (especially to Tobi). Now we'll see in this fantasy, what would happen if he acted his age.

A loud noise rushed out of a random night club in the middle of a densely forested tropical patch, when Deidara slammed the door outwards.

"GOD I'M GONNA GET A HANGOVER TOMORROW!"

Not in a condition to think, he wanders over to a durian tree, despite a sign that says "Beware of Dropping Durians" (actually, it helps that this is a night too). Standing underneath a dangerously laden tree, Deidara decides to take a selfie with an iPhone 5. Unfortunately, since this was at night, and these big, spiky, smelly fruits only drop at night, one dropped and it nearly hit him on the head.

"~watch it man…"

At that time, all of Hell was doing cleaning, and a Klu Klux Klan member happened to vacuum the ceiling, sucking in the Durian from above (which Deidara did not notice).

"What the FUCK is this smelly chinky shit!?" demanded he.

"Gimme it!" shouted Pol Pot.

"No way you weirdo!"

So the large spiky, smelly fruit was thrown back up at amazing speed. Deidara however, was still hanging around, when it so happened to fly back up beneath where he was squatting to do his business on the lawn.

...

Maybe it was better off hitting his head.

* * *

_In an ideal world, Oak High and Bulls Worth will get along._

Both schools, names changed, are three steps away from being bitter enemies, due to a certain fight. So in this fantasy, they tried to reconcile, by making their mascots correspond to each other at the famous Reunion Football Game (name of event changed also).

The students not -so-eagerly anticipate what bullcrap their schools have created to present at the one time of the year, when each side could officially meet each other.

"It's probably a stupid key no of some sort," remarked a foxy-looking Bulls Worth cheerleader.

After a particularly long wait, the two principles came out to announce:

"Attention all who came. Thank you for coming to our annual event and age-old tradition. Now before our game begins, we would like to show all of you something that we've put up together, to prove that we, as two friendly rivals, are at peace with each other."

"Oh bother," muttered a guy.

Two bands, one from each school, then played the stereotypical coming-of-the-king song. That was followed by a giant Acorn with bloodshot eyes coming out of the locker room.

"The hell?" Asked yours truly Author.

Oak High's Mascot started smoking what appears to be a bag of powder and prancing around, shouting:

"I"M WALKING ON THE SUNSHINE!"

Now much to a bewildered audience, a Bulldog then emerged from the other side, wearing a backwards cap, a black t-shirt , spiked jewelry, but no pants (O:) came about with what is probably more of that white stuff.

"Yo ma Homie!" screeched the Acorn, "Bang me up with more of that gold dust!"

"Gimme yo muny first, or no Blanca for you!" retorted the pant less Bulldog.

The high Acorn started to take out a bag of money and throwing it everywhere.

"HIT ME UP ON THE SUNSHINE!"

"This is getting interesting," commented a mushroom-headed boy.

After snorting precious crack, Mr. Nice-and-High Acorn gave Mr. Nice Drug-Dealing Dog a very mean look.

"THIS AIN'T THAT GOOD SHIT!" flared Oak High's high acorn.

"Ain't doin' nothin' about it, homie," replied Bull Worth's most ghetto mascot, "You crawl back faster than I can crank 'er.

"Well, FUCK YOU! I AIN'T SURVIVIN' ON BABY POWDAH!" lashed the nutty nut.

"What am I supposed to do about it!?" challenged the other one.

"FUCK YOU!" cried Nutella.

"FUCK YOU TOO!" responded Budweiser Bulldog.

Both of them started brawling in the middle of the football field as people of all ages placed bets on them.

"This is better than a football game!" claimed a Hetalia-cladded girl, as she waged ten dollars on the Acorn.

* * *

_In an ideal world, 4Kids censorship would be even funnier._

On vacation, a 4Kids executive was sampling a particular fruit known as the Durian.

"Holy moly! This is some smelly fruit; it should not be presented to kids!"

And thus the censorship of large spiky smelly fruits turning into exploding not-so-smelly-or-spiky fruits came in. Not that it mattered anyhow. At least until there was an episode of _One Piece,_ where the whole crew was stranded on an island full of tropical fruit.

"Alright gang, I'm going to look for food!"

And it so happened that the first thing that the first thing Monkey D. Luffy stumbled upon was the Durian.

"What is this thing?" he questioned as he bit into it.

Then and there, it was supposed to be a funny joke about how much it stunk. However, because of the 4kids edit, it simply exploded on him.

"Oh my god!" cried Nami (from One Piece), "What happened!?"

Nami ran over to Luffy, only to stumble upon a Durian, which exploded too.

"Huh?"

Before long, the whole cast of _One Piece _was dead.

* * *

_In an ideal world, Jen can talk._

One day, Jen, who prays every night to be able to talk, mute as usual, spied a gift bag on the drawer with a note. Inside the gift bag was an iPad and a note, which said:

_Jen, I know how much you want to talk, but I've already dealt with enough annoying characters. You are the least annoying and I want to keep you that way. Just use the iDraw app to tell what you want.-The Creator._

Just like how Vanessa can't cook well, even in a fantasy, Jen can't talk in a fantasy, either.

"WAAAH!"

* * *

_In an ideal world, Vanessa could __**really**__ cook well._

The Magical Adventures gang sat at the table, waiting for Vanessa's cooking. Today, she'll make dandelion and spring mix salad with homemade vinegar-raspberry sauce, followed by Pho with the best ingredients, with fresh-cut beef and Japanese noodles, lasagna with hand-picked and sun-ripened tomatoes and noodles made out of scratch, spring rolls with that finger-licking brown sauce, and for dessert, chocolate cake made fresh, even fresher strawberries, cantaloupes-

Um Jen, I think you're getting hungry there. Go get something to eat for now; just don't eat that _Bienenstich_.

* * *

**I'm not gonna ask you guys for comments anymore. Also, I don't hate One Piece; it's just that this is the only anime I know that would most likely encounter Durian. Anyway, happy reading and many thanks to the few who are actually enjoying reading this! :D**


	4. Almost There

Once again, the List has been abandoned. That was, until more O.C.s, namely Ling, Miki, Van, and Peng arrive to the scene.

"Hey, it's a list of something," pointed out Ling.

Van read the List.

"It's about what are the qualities of an ideal world. Based on the handwriting, Juni, Vanessa, and Jen have written in it."

"Why not join in?" said Miki.

* * *

_In an ideal world, life will be fairer._

Now, my friends, we go into the world of _The Human Centipede_, where three of our unfortunate members of humankind are about to be sewed anus-to-mouth.

"Wait a minute," demanded Lindsay, "Didn't the cover say this movie is 100% medically accurate?"

"Errr, ja," replied the insane doctor.

"Since we are tourists, we abide by our countries' laws," said Jenny, "and because we are Americans, we demand a lawyer to prove that what you're doing is medically inaccurate."

The house was suddenly turned into a courtroom filled with lawyers and clients, where the judge gave the verdict:

"I'm sorry, Dr. Josef Heiter, you may not create a human centipede, for it is and will be, medically impossible."

"YEAH AMERICUH! LAND OF THE WUSSIES!" triumphantly said Jenny.

"And how does zat make it different from Europe!?" questioned Dr. Josef Heiter

"It's 'AMERUCUH, LAND OF THE _SUING_ WUSSIES!' "corrected Lindsay.

* * *

_In an ideal world, boys will be more considerate about farting._

"Hey WAIT a minute!" said Van, "Farting is a natural thing!"

"But you don't have to make it visibly green or terrible smelly!" retorted Ling.

"Only girls could restraint that!"

"MAYBE guys could too, if they try hard enough!" challenged Miki.

"_Or maybe if we're part androids like you gals," _mused Peng.

Any way, back to the fantasy.

In the Pokemon universe, Red was in a _very_ crowded city, _submerged_ a claustrophobic crowd, in the _middle _a busy building, _really _wanting to fart.

"_Maybe if I let it out silently."_

So an undetectable 'pssssst' was let out of our favorite protagonist's arse, but it wasn't as neutrally fragrant as it was unheard.

"MY GOD!" exclaimed a DJ, "What is THAT smell!?"

"I think I'm gonna die!" said a young lady.

"It must be a TurdyFly!"

That last sentence caused the crowd to fling into panic; chairs were thrown everywhere, men and women alike screaming, and for some reason, a fire started. Pretty soon, after a not-so-pretty scene, the city, let alone the building, was no more than a giant pile of dust.

"_Definitely not my fault."_

* * *

_In an ideal world, the little match girl from Andersen's Tales would've lived._

"That story was sooo tragic!" exclaimed Ling.

"I cried while reading the ending!" said Miki.

"Waaah!" wailed Peng, as he read the ending.

"_Wussies," _brooded Van.

In the world of the story, _Little Match Girl,_ our heroine was on her last match, being delusional, as she was seeing Grandma in the flames.

"Grandma, take me with you!"

Just then, Grandma from the fire told her,

"Throw the damn match!"

Being an obedient girl, she threw the match into the wooden building she was leaning against. It instantly bursted into flames and screams of people inside.

"Ahh, all nice and toasty. Thanks Grandma!"

-Okay, maybe that was a little screwed up.

* * *

_In an ideal world, Deidara's grass wouldn't block the sun._

"I'm pretty sure someone wrote something similar to this already," said Van.

"Yeah," agreed Ling, "It's a pretty common issue around these parts."

"Just put it in anyway; you never know," shrugged Miki.

Deidara dejectedly dragged to his dwelling, with the durian from Chapter 2 still up his derrière. As he weaved through his jungle of a lawn, some serrated slices of 12 foot grass toppled with a "Crash!".

"Huh!?"

Just as he turned around, the grass in the range of his lodged Durian begun to collapse like a tower of cards in a breeze. Because the artist was on vacation that day, it didn't grow back either.

"Hah hah! Hah hahhahaha-hah! THIS IS MY LUCKY DAY!"

And thus, a butt-necked Deidara ran across his lawn with half-crazed look on his face, much to the horror of the neighbours. At least until Social Services got him.

But still, the grass got trimmed.

* * *

"Hey guys!" said Penelope from above, "May I write something?"

"Uh sure."

_In an ideal world, Sasori and Deidara will be a couple._

"Author/Artist!?" chirped a shocked Peng, "Are you really that type of pervert?"

"Yeah what's up with that!?" protested Van, "Isn't Sasori a 35 year-old puppet and Deidara a 19 year old human!?"

"Awww…it's suppose to be **ideal** , y'know," said Miki, "and besides, they look absolutely adorable! *squeal*

"But how would it be realistically portrayed?" questioned Peng.

"Please danna! I wanna be with you!" pleaded the blonde.

The puppet master looked up and sighed.

"You know, Deidara, said he, "First of all, there is a significant age gap between the two of us. Second, you will age and wither away, while I'll stay eternally youthful."

"But we can fix that, right?" pleaded Deidara hopefully.

Soon, there was the sounds of power buzzsaws and Deidara's heart, which was next to his new puppet body, screaming,

"THIS WAS NOT WHAT I EXPECTED!"

* * *

"That was not what I expected!" exclaimed Miki.

"Yeah! You're a terrible person!" agreed Ling.

Just then, Van was looking in my search history, seeing _every dirty little thing _that I've read.

"Hey, will you look at this," he snarked, "Our dear artist is, in fact, _quite_ the avid DeiSaso fan."

"Pfft," snicked Peng, "So she is the closet pervert after all…"

"Umm guys…"

"PERVERT! PERVERT! PERVERT! PERVERT! PERVERT! PERVERT! PERVERT! PER-"

_Due to technical difficulties, 'In an Ideal World' will be delayed, until some immature 'problems' will be obliterated- I mean 'fixed.' Thank You for your cooperation._


	5. Return Of Juni

As our four friends are being scouted by a giant eraser above, a red slug bug pulled up on the driveway. In that slug bug, it was no other than Vanessa, the driver of her_ bruder _Juni, who had a stomach pump and a liver operation.

"Thank God I survived!" gasped our poor boy.

Just then, the scream of Miki echoed by, followed by the zing of the Eraser, which accidentally erased Deidara's grass, and made Juni remembered something.

"The Notebook!"

The twosome rushed into the house and examined the now almost-used-up thing sitting on the desk.

"People have been writing in it," Vanessa observed, "Good thing too, because I thought our readers would get impatient and go read that Yaoi crap."

"NO!" roared Juni, "This is a disaster! they used up most of the pages, so I won't be able to put all the good ideas I thought of!"

"Just write smaller, and don't draw pictures. (It's not like our readers could see it either)"

* * *

_In an ideal world, people won't die as miserably._

"You won't shoot."

Matt in the Death Note-verse was in the part where he was suppose to die by multiple gunshot wounds. However, in the ideal world, it goes something like this:

A cop scratch his head, thinking for a moment.

"You know, if we were to shoot you, it would be really humiliating wouldn't it?"

"Yeah," agreed another, "You need to die in a happier state."

As a result, Matt was put into an airtight room, suffocating on his own gas from the addictive burritos they provided him with.

"SO FUCKING DELICIOUS!"

* * *

_In an ideal world, bits of humor are always found in dark times._

"What does that even mean, Juni?"

"Well, here's an example:"

In the same scene from the last fantasy, blue guys that looked like a terribly deformed version of Pikmin barged through the door.

"The hell man!?" questioned the cop.

"We are from _Aaichi & Ssipak,*" _explained one of them, "and you are stealing our toilet themes, involving addictive foods."

"Says the guys from literally the shittiest film ever!"

"But you are still stealing themes, and we have the right to arrange a court trial."

A moment of pause.

"We don't wanna deal with you guys," a cop finally muttered.

The door holding Matt broke opened, releasing a goddamn awful stench.

"Gaaarggggggleee AKK acckkk…"

"Sorry kid, but we're gonna have to shoot you."

*BAM* *BAM* *BAM*

*Aaichi &Ssipak: a dystopian film about a world powered by poop. I've never watch it, but not surprisingly, it's considered a pretty bad box office flop.

* * *

_In an ideal world, thing always work out in the end._

In Hetalia, America was still deciding what to do with his now unusable guns, ever since the total gun ban from Chapter 1 was enforced.

"Aw man, all these useless guns, but the government still doesn't get along with itself, the crazies* are still stirring up hell, and we still have a big national debt!"

America's stomach rumbled. The first thing that came into his mind was Beef, and Beef came from cows and cows can be artificially inseminated to create more cows-Wait a minute; something just clicked.

Later, the other Allies were rejoicing at England's house. Why?

"This is _fantastique!"_ France exclaimed, "America found a way to repay his debts, and therefore repay us!"

"I sense an economic boom!" yelled England.

"But what exactly did he do?" questioned China.

"Err," stuttered England, "He's been selling a specific item, namely, artificial inseminates."

"Hey, they kinda look like guns!" pointed out Russia.

* Batshit Pat (Robertson), Westboro, Palin, you get the idea.

* * *

"That's not how the economy really works;It's not THAT easy!" said Vanessa.

"Yeah yeah, you're the smart one, explain it to me," replied Juni.

"**It will take ages to explain it to a moron like you."** though Vanessa's snarky side.

* * *

_In an ideal world, people will be more considerate about their resources._

In a completely different fantasy in Hetalia, America and England were still pissed at France, who rearranged their wardrobes in Chapter 1.

"Let's see how HE likes it, when somebody messes up his stuff," grumbled England, holding a set of toilet paper rolls.

"Yeah, let's get this party started!" agreed America, clinging on to a truckload of those.

China arrived into the scene, with a bag bigger than America's load.

"Chinese don't flush their toilet paper down," he explained "Toilet-paper France's house with our used toilet paper; it is more cost effective."

* * *

"That was just plain gross, and a little bit racist too!" yelled Vanessa.

Juni was still choking on laughter.

"Alright, alright, he said, completely ignoring her, "now let's see where was I…"

* * *

**Warning: this next scene contains references to the oil-rig incident involving China and Vietnam. If you are easily swayed by this matter, please do not read or flame; JUST SKIP IT.**

_In an ideal world, ideas are put effectively into use._

Vietnam, still angry about China setting an oil rig on illegal territory, decided to serve a little revenge.

"Since you like to steal land from others, let's see how much you like your ideas getting stolen," muttered the ao dai-cladded girl.

She egged his house with expired Hot Vit Lon/Balut* (probably from New Year's), until it was covered with so much cooked chick embryos, it looked like an advertisement for anti-abortion.

"You are right, she breathed, "It is more cost effective...and deadly too."

That night, China saw the devastation.

"Aru…"

*hard-boiled eggs, but with half-developed chicks inside it

**Author's Note: Yes I know how expensive those things are, even when they are rotten,(in fact, it's made into a special dish!) but I couldn't think of anything else. Again, if any Vietnamese, Chinese, Filipino, or anyone for the matter is offended, I apologize in advance.**

* * *

_In an ideal world, the Author will never make it as a stand-up comedian._

Penelope's first gig was a flop, and it went something like this:

"...and that was how Deidara got a durian up his ass!"

For those who didn't read the first four chapters, there was a scene where Deidara got a durian up his ass and yours truly was practically retelling that story. Unfortunately, it roused the anger of a large group of fan fiction readers sitting practically everywhere.

"DEIDARA IS AWESOME," hollered a crazy fan "HE'LL NEVER DO SOMETHING THAT STUPID LIKE TAKING SOME SELFIES UNDER A DURIAN TREE! (AT NIGHT)"

"YEAH! (lolz)" scrReamed a CAPS LOCK-challenged, CRZY KEYboard GUy, "HOW DARE YOU make FuN OF HIM!? (JKFDJAKL JDKAJJDAsdsfj sjdfds)"

"GO GET A REAL JOB, AND STOP MAKING THE WORLD SEEM SO TERRIBLE!"

"I promise you he'll get a cock up his ass before that horrible fruit travels there!" retorted one of the saner Deidara fans.

Soon the Room was filled with boos and more boos, along with {Durian_Fling;}s. In short my gig got flamed- literally; the computer melted down. Yes, my first gig was in the Forums; It was the first joke, too.

* * *

"Phew, I finally cramped that last one into the margins," said our writer

"YES YES!" screamed an excited Vanessa, "THIS is what we need in the world!"

"No shit," replied her brother, "Our Creator's jokes are usually just plain terrible."

"Well, it's a shame that almost none of this will ever happen," said the girl, "After all, it would make the world a better place…"

"Actually, I already starting putting these goals into action," said Juni.

"How so?"

* * *

In space, our final characters, Tom the O.C. and Hidan from Naruto are floating in a space-pod.

"WHAT THE F*CK IS THIS S*IT!?" screamed a hysterical Tom, "AND WHY THESE FU**ING CENSORS!?"

"I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT BAST*** KAKUZU ACTUALLY JOINED FORCES WITH THAT WEIRD-A**ED O.C. AND F***ING SPLURGED TO SEND US INTO SPACE!" warbled Hidan

"Holy S***!" said Tom all of a sudden.

"WHAT!?"

A clay bird was floating aimlessly, just outside.

"Bah!" chuckled Hidan, "Things can't explode in space!"

*Bang*


End file.
